i think we all have that one thing we are terrified to give up to the Lord. the one thing that holds us back, the one thing we hold onto so tightly because it defines us. it shows us our worth in a humanly stand point, and in our heads we think that we have total control of it.
that thing for me was, and still is sometimes softball.
softball is something that i have played ever since i was little, something i took up and just loved it. softball was something i was able to transition with from south dakota to here. when i was little i played on a little dixie rec league and had a blast. we were just a bunch of little girls playing the game we loved. as time progressed we wanted bigger and better competion so we all started to play travel and suddenly our summers became full of hotel rooms, three games a day, hot weather, and practice three days a week.
little by little it took over my life, and my heart. i loved playing. i loved the atmosphere of it all, the dirt, the food, the teams. it was just a totally different world. but as i grew up so did the game. the pitchers got faster, the teams were more competitive, and the girls could hit alot harder. it came to a point where it was like if you want to go play college ball bad enough you can do it, you just have to fully commit to it. and like i said earlier, i love this game. so i dived in fully and put everything i had into it. practice was either all or nothing, a bunch of work outs, and when there wasnt practice i would be at the field anyways to hit off tees. (Its funny alot of times if my mom didnt know where i was 99 percent of the time you would find me at the field.) it consumed me. if i was upset i could go to the field and just hit all my frustration out, if it was nice outside what else would there to do but go hit, you know it was just everything i did revolved around softball.
as school season came around i started to put up some good numbers that i was really proud of. and in my mind it was hard work = good results. so that also meant if i worked hard i could control how my stats would look. so that motivated me to work even harder. which was great until the slumps, or the errors, or the "off days". those days where i was off totally controlled me. i couldnt leave it on the field. i carried it around with me so going to the field to hit wasnt because i wanted too but because i was terrified to mess up. i was so afraid of not being good enough. whether it was the stats on the sheet of paper or this image that i had set up in my head that was literally perfection.
time went on and i kept playing travel, i was gone from the first weekend of summer to the last. playing anywhere from 5 to 9 games a weekend. traveling all over the place from 30 min to 8 hours. i would sit on the computer and send out recruiting stuff for literally hours at a time.
and then junior year came around and needless to say my world was flipped upside down. i started leading a little bible study with some sophomore girls. and took a while. but after some time i finally realized there were other things to do other than softball. i no longer needed great stats to prove i was good. i no longer needed to play college softball because that was not my only option for my future. i realized that loving these girls because Christ loves them was so much more important than what was going on in my selfish heart to be the best. yet, i realized that but when season came around i fell quickly back into the mold of having to be the best. and if my stats werent portraying that, i wasnt a good ball player. and if i wasnt a good ball player, who was i? even though the season was different and i tried my hardest to play in such a way that portrayed i was playing for a bigger purpose but it wasnt until this fall when my chains were finally broken.
after going to work crew i had some time to think about what my future was really going to be about and after i got home i just felt like in my heart i wasnt called to play college softball, so i then decided not to tryout out for a travel team for the first time since seventh grade. It was different, but a good different i had time to do things i normally wouldnt have been able to do which was so fun. but then a day came where i got a call from a college coach. one offering me a chance to follow a dream that was set in my heart long long ago. but for the first time in my whole life i didnt want to follow the dream i had been running after my whole life because there was a dream much bigger than collegiant softball waiting for me to follow. i was so scared because i could no longer use softball as my crutch when i didnt want to follow the Lord. it was no longer something i could hide behind because now my whole heart belonged to Jesus. and i knew that that is exacetly where i wanted my heart to be.
this was what i wrote in my journal after hanging up the phone with the coach, i packed my bags and headed to the field.
September 9, 2012
Lord for years this was my sanctuary. my place where i was glorified. this field held my identity, my life, and my future. this was where i came in my times of need. here i found my identity, and constant need for affirmation. this is where you werent allowed. this is where i got to call the shots and where i was in control. i found some of my greatest friends here. i was torn down here, and was broken. this is where my heart was found. this is where i was lost but you found me. Lord today is the day i gave everything up to you. today is the day i say yes with everything i have. i say no to my plans, but yes to your plans. i am terrified. i am broken, but i am here to follow what you are calling me to. i am scared. but i know you are in control. im sitting on this field that used to be a cage. it used to hold me tight in its little satisfaction it gave me. but now i sit here free. free from the need to be the best. free from my human boundaries. Lord, i finally feel free. and here i am. all of me.
i am free.
hailey
my senior year of softball started this week. day six. and i have alread tripped, stumbled, and fell multiple times on the things i have struggled with in the past. but the Lord has been ever so quick to forgive just like every time before. i am going to fail multiple times this year. i am going to mess up, but the difference in this year is that my heart finally understands that i am free from the stats, and records, and all the other baggage i carry along with me that ties me so tightly to this world i am living in.
whatever your heart is clinging to i pray that one that you will be freed from that. i pray that one day you will fully be freed from the things you let define you. cause on that day you will feel fully alive.
