well its been a while since i wrote.
a lot has happened and the whole point of this blog was to share in the highs and lows of walking through life with Christ. well. needless to say i have done one of the poorest jobs a blogger could possibly do and have not updated anything since idk september? i don't even remember. but now i guess that season is over and its time to write again.
in by no means have i perfected anything in life or my relationship with the Lord but i am growing and i am learning and i am not the same girl i was when i first set foot onto ODU, i am not the same girl from five months ago also. the Lord is constantly pursing our hearts and pruning the things to make us becoming the men and women of God he has created us to be.
since the last time i wrote a lot has happened. in december my dreams came true and i was placed as a young life urban leader. i now lead inner city young life at a wonderful school called Norview. i had no idea that this would be the hardest thing i have ever done in my whole life. i dont really know what i was expecting but it wasn't this. the feeling that my heart would literally be ripping in to pieces when i see the girls (that i don't even know) walking in the hallways enslaved to the things of the world. or the everlasting longing in my heart that one day these kids will live in freedom. free from sex, drugs, alcohol, relationships, grades so many other things that i don't even know about! there are days when i want to give up because i know that i am going to fail the Lord yet again today and probably tomorrow. i still can't figure out why the Lord has picked us to be a vessel for his gospel. Oh how foolish i can be with such a great responsibility!! however the Lord is good. he is forever relentlessly pursuing us to draw him closer to him. he also is full of grace and when the days come around and i see my worth in how good club went he refuses to look at that. he sees me. he sees my heart behind it, he sees the attempt and says "Hailey!!! you're doing a great job!!! i am so proud of you!" so many times i get so caught up in seeing my failures. and thank goodness for a God who chooses to see my attempts and celebrate my success instead.
leading has been scary. actually terrifying and a lot of times i chicken out of contact work. walking into Blacksburg high school where i went to school for four years is completely different then walking into a school where you know nobody. after i first got placed i would go up to Norview to the basketball games and sit by myself cause i didn't know anybody there. i would see the kids and would think wow i probably shouldn't have worn these neon yellow crocs and XL animal shirt. (way to go Hailey, winning these kids over one weird look at a time.) after a few times of that it wasn't going anywhere so the Lord was calling me to go farther and give up all the ways i thought would reach kids best and go for the ways he thinks his kids would be reached best. its funny because the Lord knew my heart and he knew i was not settling to continuously walk into Norview high school without being able to say at least hi to anyone. So the brilliant idea of dum dum suckers came to mind. The plan was to go to the school and hand out dum dum suckers to kids. This not only forced me to say hey to kids and ask them if they wanted a sucker but it also created an opportunity for me to go onto kids turfs. It allowed me to go onto the turf where i did not feel welcomed at all. well needless to say i was pumped about this idea until the day came and from the moment i woke up until i was walking back to my car i thought i was going to throw up everywhere. i was so nervous. i literally talked myself out of it multiple times. i also cried on the way there and told the Lord i didn't want to go and that it wasn't worth it. but in this time i had no one else to rely on except for our sweet sweet Father who had me all along. From the moment i woke up all i could do was complain. no joke. all i could think about is how i couldn't do it. how this was such a creepy idea and kids would not accept anything i was trying to give them. so that morning the Lord provided. and as i was reading acts 20 this came up
acts 20:22
and now compelled by the Spirit, i am going to Jerusalem, not knowing what will happen to me there.
i would love to be able to say that solved everything and made me feel aton better. but it didn't. after reading that instead of telling the Lord i couldn't do it the complain changed to. "great, now i have to go. " after going to class i got in my car in went kicking and struggling the whole way there in the Lords tight arms around me who refused to let me go.
That day was a big step forward. kids ended up taking literally handfuls of suckers multiple kids came back and got more. i held the door open for kids and just opened the bag and literally the Lord had the rest because i was too scared. but thank God literally because that was one of the first steps i got to take to earn the right to be on Norview kids turf.
Later on in that acts verse it says verse 23-24 i only know that in every city the Holy Spirit warns me that prison and hardships are facing me. However, i consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and compete the task the Lord Jesus has given me --the task of testifying the good news of God's grace.
this semester has been a straight 90 degree uphill climb. i have literally complained every day. most of the times about the stupidest things. I've missed a lot of opportunities because of my pride issues, and because i don't think that the Lord is big enough and i try to do it myself. i have gotten to the point where i didn't think i could go another day, or lead anymore. but our God is a God who when he takes us on an adventure he's not sending us to places where we can't handle. he is not sending us to places where the water is too deep, the kids are too lost, the resources are not enough. he is sending us to places where he already is. he is sending us to places where yes we will fail, we will struggle a lot. but he is not letting go of us. he is not giving up on us. and he will continually push us to harder places where darkness seems like it is winning. and it is mortifying and we don't think we can take one step further. but he is that tiny light shining in the distance blinking saying i am already here. i want you to continue the work i have already started here. because in the end our goal here on earth is to testify about the magnificent, life giving, beautiful, scandalous, freeing news of God's grace. because God is not settling until every single one of his children come home.
heres to the day when we run into the arms of our Savior in eternity and the struggles of this world will be no more and the race will be complete. don't stop running hard. don't stop living your life in great leaps of faith. keep your eyes focus on the author and creator of your life and he will be the one who carries you through it.
all my heart.
hp
