My days have been kind of gross. The wheather here in blacksburg has been gloomy and i think its bringing the mood around here down with it. But thank the Lord were getting rain... but seriously nobody likes it when the fall leaves turn brown and gross instead of red and orange. (:
These past few days ive felt worn out and empty. The desire to go to school and take it as a joy and an opportunity has been literally a HUGE struggle. Not only school but everything. Coming home from work crew i was PUMPED for the huge opportunities that laid before me but now being home for a month i have already started taking them for granted. I am already going into school thinking well lets get this over with already. and its only been a month!! how disheartening. i am so selfish to take these few days left in high school and just "want to get them over with." so now i am just praying that the Lord will provide me selfLESS heart instead of a SELFish heart.
I know during these times when i struggle i often am quick to just try to make up the opportunities ive missed out on and try to get them back by trying to do it on my own. or when my heart has a longing for Jesus i tend to serve people with my own strength to try to feel His love. Thank goodness we have a forgiving God. seriously.
Yesterday when i was reading in John i was ever so gently reminded by our gracious God that i am not alone in this struggle that over 2000 years ago my man Peter was struggling with the same thing. As Jesus comes around to wash Peters feet Peter straight up refuses to let Jesus wash his feet. Peter says "no! you will never wash my feet!" and you know what everyday i tell Jesus no. i say no Jesus i can do this. you do not have to do this. let me do the dirty work myself. i can do it fine. and in the end i get worn out. i get tired of serving and its not appealing to me. and this is where Jesus says "Hailey, hailey. look at me. focus on me. i want to do the work. i want to use you so you can be filled. filled with amazing joy, and wonder. Hailey this is my job, let me do my work through you."
Later on in the passage Jesus tells Peter that if He doesnt wash Peters feet then peter wouldn't belong to Jesus. and i love peters reaction... Peter Exclaimed "Then wash my hands and my head as well, Lord not just my feet!" I want to be like peter. i want to be able to have that ah ha moment that yes i do belong to the Lord, i dont want to just have him wash a portion of me but all of me. I want to know that it is not me serving thes kids in the high school but Jesus. I want Jesus to work through me and use His mighty power. i do not want to miss this opportunity.
Jesus replies to Peter with this. "a person who has bathed all over does not need to wash except for their feet, to be entirely clean..." i know that my heart needs to be cleaned. just like Peters feet. that when my heart is focused on Christ and is resting in His hands the rest of my body is focused on Him and is doing His will. and the greatest thing about our God is when we ask we receive. When we ask for a clean heart our hearts are cleaned and we are free. Free from the junk we carry, and free from sin. But we just have to believe it.
I struggle with taking my eyes off Jesus all the time. Even if its for a split second. I struggle with the fact that i am NOT able to serve to the best of my ability all the time in my little human body, i struggle with the fact that i do mess up. But Jesus can serve to the best of HIS ability everyday. anytime. Jesus can and will. when we struggle we just have to turn to Him and let Him wash our feet.
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