Hey Everyone, I'm so sorry i havent wrote in so long. This month has been jammed packed with just fellowship with friends, seeing family, white elephant parties, pitch perfect, exams, winter VT graduations, and the celebration of Jesus. I hope ya'll have had an amazing Christmas and really enjoyed time with family, and close friends. I love Christmas time but im not reallly about setting up all the decorations and stuff for it. I like the spirit of Christmas, i love to give gifts and see how willing other poeple are to give. But as for setting up the tree... i aint about that life. hahahahaha i'm sure i will be when i get older but after i found out santa wasnt real i was basically scarred for life because i was def. that kid. The kid who is determined santa was real. and balled my eyes out when i found out he wasnt. So after that i wasnt really into Christmas as much as i used to be. okay now rereading that it sounds awful.... im not like the grinch or anything i just like seeing the final product of the tree instead of helping out before. does that make sense? i hope so lolz.
About two weeks ago i wrote about how my walk with the Lord has reached it two year mark. I wrote about how my life was at this point and now its at this point. I didnt really go into much detail about why i was there in the beginning or why i felt so lost, but that is for other posts i promise (: however after writing that it made me think about alot of things. i finally came to realization that i am in a dry season with the Lord. which kind of stinks because i was in such a high, fruitful season before. This month its been hard because some of the things i wrote about how i was before i met Christ i kind of feel like im right back to those. For example, trying to seek affirmation from others instead of the Father, or just trying to do things on my own, according to my plan instead of his. I also struggle with new things, like my future, where the hawk im going to be next year, what im going to be doing. Who my roommate is going to be COMMUNITY SHOWERS (YUCK, so gross, so scared)... seriously freaking about those things hahahah. And to be honest its frusterating. Its like why havent i learned by now. Why do i keep going in circles instead of going forward!
and in the end i think it has come to the point where in my head i feel like i have to change myself. i have to figure out God's plan for me on my own. i also correlate how many quiet times, or how many times ive journaled in a week to how good my realtionship with the Lord is.
and if im being honest i think alot of us can relate to that. whether or not were following the Lord we all have this unobtainable image in our heads of who we should be and its literally this perfect image we can never live up to. and because of how imperfect i am i am ashamed to come to the foot of the cross because of how filthy im made because of my sin.
so i started praying about this. just kind of in the mind set of i know i need to do this reguardless of if i want to or not.. instead of coming to his feet because i want to be there and i want to be filled again. i was just like Lord, im sorry. Im sorry for how filthy i am, im sorry i keep making the same mistakes everyday. im sorry for over looking you and find worth in other things. and you know i would feel great right after them until i messed up again. like when i just backed talk my parents, or just had the attitude of screw this. you know what im sayin? and so this was just kind of like an on going thing. until one day it just kind of hit me. Like recently, this week recently. Jesus was born this week, a long long time ago in that manger. and because of his life i no longer have walk in darkness. i no longer have to feel the way ive been feeling for a while. he was born so i no longer have to keep trying to earn his forgiveness, because that day in the manger a long long time ago. you and i have been given the opportunity to be forgiven because when Jesus grew up he died for our sins and we no longer have to earn his forgiveness because he gives it to us. the question i had to ask myself was if i was willing to accept his gift. the ultimate Christmas gift. in this gift not only do i find forgiveness, but life, and worth, and joy, and freedom. Because of this gift i can come to the cross digustingly dirty. and be cleaned. because when we change our mind set from being set on doing good things for Him to believing in Him. he will change us. he will change our motives, and he will show us the way to live.
will you be willing to accept Jesus' gift to you?
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