i think we all have that one thing we are terrified to give up to the Lord. the one thing that holds us back, the one thing we hold onto so tightly because it defines us. it shows us our worth in a humanly stand point, and in our heads we think that we have total control of it.
that thing for me was, and still is sometimes softball.
softball is something that i have played ever since i was little, something i took up and just loved it. softball was something i was able to transition with from south dakota to here. when i was little i played on a little dixie rec league and had a blast. we were just a bunch of little girls playing the game we loved. as time progressed we wanted bigger and better competion so we all started to play travel and suddenly our summers became full of hotel rooms, three games a day, hot weather, and practice three days a week.
little by little it took over my life, and my heart. i loved playing. i loved the atmosphere of it all, the dirt, the food, the teams. it was just a totally different world. but as i grew up so did the game. the pitchers got faster, the teams were more competitive, and the girls could hit alot harder. it came to a point where it was like if you want to go play college ball bad enough you can do it, you just have to fully commit to it. and like i said earlier, i love this game. so i dived in fully and put everything i had into it. practice was either all or nothing, a bunch of work outs, and when there wasnt practice i would be at the field anyways to hit off tees. (Its funny alot of times if my mom didnt know where i was 99 percent of the time you would find me at the field.) it consumed me. if i was upset i could go to the field and just hit all my frustration out, if it was nice outside what else would there to do but go hit, you know it was just everything i did revolved around softball.
as school season came around i started to put up some good numbers that i was really proud of. and in my mind it was hard work = good results. so that also meant if i worked hard i could control how my stats would look. so that motivated me to work even harder. which was great until the slumps, or the errors, or the "off days". those days where i was off totally controlled me. i couldnt leave it on the field. i carried it around with me so going to the field to hit wasnt because i wanted too but because i was terrified to mess up. i was so afraid of not being good enough. whether it was the stats on the sheet of paper or this image that i had set up in my head that was literally perfection.
time went on and i kept playing travel, i was gone from the first weekend of summer to the last. playing anywhere from 5 to 9 games a weekend. traveling all over the place from 30 min to 8 hours. i would sit on the computer and send out recruiting stuff for literally hours at a time.
and then junior year came around and needless to say my world was flipped upside down. i started leading a little bible study with some sophomore girls. and took a while. but after some time i finally realized there were other things to do other than softball. i no longer needed great stats to prove i was good. i no longer needed to play college softball because that was not my only option for my future. i realized that loving these girls because Christ loves them was so much more important than what was going on in my selfish heart to be the best. yet, i realized that but when season came around i fell quickly back into the mold of having to be the best. and if my stats werent portraying that, i wasnt a good ball player. and if i wasnt a good ball player, who was i? even though the season was different and i tried my hardest to play in such a way that portrayed i was playing for a bigger purpose but it wasnt until this fall when my chains were finally broken.
after going to work crew i had some time to think about what my future was really going to be about and after i got home i just felt like in my heart i wasnt called to play college softball, so i then decided not to tryout out for a travel team for the first time since seventh grade. It was different, but a good different i had time to do things i normally wouldnt have been able to do which was so fun. but then a day came where i got a call from a college coach. one offering me a chance to follow a dream that was set in my heart long long ago. but for the first time in my whole life i didnt want to follow the dream i had been running after my whole life because there was a dream much bigger than collegiant softball waiting for me to follow. i was so scared because i could no longer use softball as my crutch when i didnt want to follow the Lord. it was no longer something i could hide behind because now my whole heart belonged to Jesus. and i knew that that is exacetly where i wanted my heart to be.
this was what i wrote in my journal after hanging up the phone with the coach, i packed my bags and headed to the field.
September 9, 2012
Lord for years this was my sanctuary. my place where i was glorified. this field held my identity, my life, and my future. this was where i came in my times of need. here i found my identity, and constant need for affirmation. this is where you werent allowed. this is where i got to call the shots and where i was in control. i found some of my greatest friends here. i was torn down here, and was broken. this is where my heart was found. this is where i was lost but you found me. Lord today is the day i gave everything up to you. today is the day i say yes with everything i have. i say no to my plans, but yes to your plans. i am terrified. i am broken, but i am here to follow what you are calling me to. i am scared. but i know you are in control. im sitting on this field that used to be a cage. it used to hold me tight in its little satisfaction it gave me. but now i sit here free. free from the need to be the best. free from my human boundaries. Lord, i finally feel free. and here i am. all of me.
i am free.
hailey
my senior year of softball started this week. day six. and i have alread tripped, stumbled, and fell multiple times on the things i have struggled with in the past. but the Lord has been ever so quick to forgive just like every time before. i am going to fail multiple times this year. i am going to mess up, but the difference in this year is that my heart finally understands that i am free from the stats, and records, and all the other baggage i carry along with me that ties me so tightly to this world i am living in.
whatever your heart is clinging to i pray that one that you will be freed from that. i pray that one day you will fully be freed from the things you let define you. cause on that day you will feel fully alive.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Sometime in the near future
i have been meaning to blog for quite some time now. its crazy to me that today is the last day of January. time is literally flying by and i can barely keep up with it.
In the past few days my world has been flipped upside down by a God that has much bigger plans than mine. My heart was set on Appalachain State. I felt like i just needed to be there for the next step in life. i have gone down there multiple times to visit and fell in love with the campus, the area, everything. Deep down i was just like this is where i need to be. I was looking for schools that had photography degrees and out of the six non private school on the east coast App was one. It was only three hours away and my grandparents lived as an exact midway point from Boone to Blacksburg. It was perfect. So last friday as i looked at my application tracker thing my dreams had came to a hault when i looked onto the screen to see the words denied next to my application status.
Let me take you back a month or so to the last week in November, as the deadlines for many early addmission college apps came closer and closer i could not shake this feeling that i needed to apply to ODU. i kept resisting and resisting because i was so determined that i was going to be at App the next year, i really thought it was the Lord's plan and i just wanted to follow that whole heartedly. But ODU kept popping up. So the day before the application was due and after many long conversations with close friends i made the decision to apply. After about three weeks my best friend and i got our acceptance letters, and my mom and i danced around the kitchen in celebration of i was going to college somewhere. We hung the letter onto the refridgerator and continued our wait to hear back from the school my heart desprately wanted to go to.
This whole semester two consistant prayers that i have been praying was that i would be accepted of denied from App. i didnt really want the whole deffered thing and i really just wanted His plan to be so blatenly obvious to me. and the other thing i kept praying was that where ever i go that i would be following His plans and not mine. So after i had my realization that i wasnt going to App. which consisted of me signing off and then back on again to make sure i hadnt gone crazy or something (lolz) but after some time had gone by i started to realized that the Lord had answered my prayers in such huge ways. that His plan is for me to be at ODU next year, that his plan was for me to be five hours away instead of three.
ironically my little sister had a volleyball tourney in Hampton, which is only a short ways away from ODU, so we packed our bags planned our little tour ODU campus and was on our way. Saturday morning came alot quicker than our 8 hour bumper to bumper traffic filled, blizzard like conditions road trip to hampton hahaha but that morning the rents and me piled in the car and headed to ODU. My parents were not fond of the idea of me going to ODU, from many friends they had heard how it wasnt in a good area, and that super freaked them out. But as we drove up to the campus i think all of our hearts were taken aback at how wrong our impressions were. The whole tour was fantastic my parents, and i fell in love with this place that we had no intentions in loving. we not only found that this is where the Lord's plan are for me, but a beginning of a great adventure for our whole family.
I fell in love with ODU just as i did with App. State. I feel the Lord so much in both places but now i know that his plan is for me to be along the shoreline instead of in the mountains. I have seen in the past few days that the Lord DOES answer our prayers. He DOES show up consistantly in our lives to show us the way. My prayers were answered in a completely different way than i expected. Its taken me off guard and placed me way out of my comfort zone, but i know i am in the Lord's hands. i know that He is going to walk me through this and show me why he has called me to ODU. Sometimes i dont see the Lord answer my prayers and blatenly as He has answered this one. But i know that He is a mighty God and He loves us more than anything in the world, and if he is calling me there my only answer is to follow Him, because i know that i am following a mighty God that created my plan and there is no other place i would rather be.
In the past few days my world has been flipped upside down by a God that has much bigger plans than mine. My heart was set on Appalachain State. I felt like i just needed to be there for the next step in life. i have gone down there multiple times to visit and fell in love with the campus, the area, everything. Deep down i was just like this is where i need to be. I was looking for schools that had photography degrees and out of the six non private school on the east coast App was one. It was only three hours away and my grandparents lived as an exact midway point from Boone to Blacksburg. It was perfect. So last friday as i looked at my application tracker thing my dreams had came to a hault when i looked onto the screen to see the words denied next to my application status.
Let me take you back a month or so to the last week in November, as the deadlines for many early addmission college apps came closer and closer i could not shake this feeling that i needed to apply to ODU. i kept resisting and resisting because i was so determined that i was going to be at App the next year, i really thought it was the Lord's plan and i just wanted to follow that whole heartedly. But ODU kept popping up. So the day before the application was due and after many long conversations with close friends i made the decision to apply. After about three weeks my best friend and i got our acceptance letters, and my mom and i danced around the kitchen in celebration of i was going to college somewhere. We hung the letter onto the refridgerator and continued our wait to hear back from the school my heart desprately wanted to go to.
This whole semester two consistant prayers that i have been praying was that i would be accepted of denied from App. i didnt really want the whole deffered thing and i really just wanted His plan to be so blatenly obvious to me. and the other thing i kept praying was that where ever i go that i would be following His plans and not mine. So after i had my realization that i wasnt going to App. which consisted of me signing off and then back on again to make sure i hadnt gone crazy or something (lolz) but after some time had gone by i started to realized that the Lord had answered my prayers in such huge ways. that His plan is for me to be at ODU next year, that his plan was for me to be five hours away instead of three.
ironically my little sister had a volleyball tourney in Hampton, which is only a short ways away from ODU, so we packed our bags planned our little tour ODU campus and was on our way. Saturday morning came alot quicker than our 8 hour bumper to bumper traffic filled, blizzard like conditions road trip to hampton hahaha but that morning the rents and me piled in the car and headed to ODU. My parents were not fond of the idea of me going to ODU, from many friends they had heard how it wasnt in a good area, and that super freaked them out. But as we drove up to the campus i think all of our hearts were taken aback at how wrong our impressions were. The whole tour was fantastic my parents, and i fell in love with this place that we had no intentions in loving. we not only found that this is where the Lord's plan are for me, but a beginning of a great adventure for our whole family.
I fell in love with ODU just as i did with App. State. I feel the Lord so much in both places but now i know that his plan is for me to be along the shoreline instead of in the mountains. I have seen in the past few days that the Lord DOES answer our prayers. He DOES show up consistantly in our lives to show us the way. My prayers were answered in a completely different way than i expected. Its taken me off guard and placed me way out of my comfort zone, but i know i am in the Lord's hands. i know that He is going to walk me through this and show me why he has called me to ODU. Sometimes i dont see the Lord answer my prayers and blatenly as He has answered this one. But i know that He is a mighty God and He loves us more than anything in the world, and if he is calling me there my only answer is to follow Him, because i know that i am following a mighty God that created my plan and there is no other place i would rather be.
ODU here i come!
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
why i blog.
this morning i was reading a blog post from one of my friends Matt. Matt was from my work crew and he posted his testimony to his blog and honestly it was just such a reminder of how far Christ is willing to go for us, and this amazing story of Christ's redemption. it also shows us how much Christ uses the people we are close to and even strangers to bring his people home to Him.
Matt's testimony reminded me so much of why i started blogging in the first place. A while back one of my dear friends Casey knew i had a heart for overseas mission. My heart was literally dying to go over there. at the time i hated school and so i probably would have quit and just gone over there if i would have had the opportunity haha. but like i said i hated school so i was def going on about it in the wrong way. but in the end i still wanted to go over so serve people and share Jesus with them. so casey showed me a blog by a girl named Katie Davis. Katie Davis is an amazing girl who honestly is changing the world and most of us dont even know who she is. if you have some time this is a little video of who she is. I started reading Katie's blog and it just opened up this world of how following the Lord wont just impact our own eternity but others as well.
You can read Katie Davis blog here.
A little bit further down the road in my sophomore year i had stopped believing in Jesus all together, high school was really hard for me.i just didnt fit in. and i was made fun of alot for my faith and it was hard. So my solution was to just stop following Jesus and attempt to be a normal kid. This was until two campaigner girls stepped into my life. Eva and Kara. To this day i have no idea how lucky i was that they walked into my life. They kept showing up in my life and loving my for who i was and gently just kept pushing me closer to Christ. During this time the girls had gotten a hold of this blog from a Younglife leader named Libby. Libby was diagnosed with cancer and started a blog of how she would glorify God through this. after i read it for the first time i started reading it religiously. i remember reading what she wrote and it made the Lord so real to me. I remember wanting the life she had. Not the cancer but the spark. She had a drive like no one else i had ever met and i wanted that. I knew it was Jesus, i knew that following the Lord was not just a choice but a lifestyle. Slowly but surely because of the time that Libby took to write, she changed the way i would live my life forever. Suprisingly my younglife leaders, leader was Libby so i have had the amazing opportunity to meet her, and honestly she is the same person that i read on her blog, she is so real, and so loving, which is so assuring because i know sometimes esp on here, but its so easy to just say things people want to hear. Kind of like when someone asks how were doing and we automatically say "oh yeah im fine," when in reality were falling apart on the inside. you know what i mean? but Libby is the exact opposite. She puts herself out there and because of the the Lord is using her in huge ways. Libby will probably never know the impact she had on my life. But if it wasnt for her blog there is a fat chance i would still be that lost, insecure, faithless girl i was my sophomore year.
You can read Libby's blog here.
The Lord speaks to me in HUGE ways through blogs. I dont know why, me and my friends think its actually kind of halarious. But i started blogging because maybe theres someone like me who needs a little encouragement. Maybe there's someone out there that just needs to feel like theres something worth living for. or maybe you just need something to do. But the Lord uses words. he uses them in huge ways just like our actions. people are listening and maybe just maybe if we took the chance to be real with them our world would change in big ways.
If you want to read more blogs if you scroll down a little to the left side of the page under good reads there are blogs that i read and i find them incredible. and i'll list most of them right below this.
http://mattweatherly.wordpress.com/
http://www.younglifeleaders.org/
http://libbyryder.blogspot.com/
http://icarlymission.blogspot.com/
http://francoyounglife.blogspot.com/
http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/
http://kylielynngalyen.blogspot.com/
http://zacharywinman.blogspot.com/
http://hiimhannahlou.wordpress.com/
i read alot of blogs, lolz but each of these blogs have incredible writeres behind them, if you have some time take a look at them hope ya'll have a great rest of a week. We go back to school tomorrow wohooo. syke. lol pray for us please!
Matt's testimony reminded me so much of why i started blogging in the first place. A while back one of my dear friends Casey knew i had a heart for overseas mission. My heart was literally dying to go over there. at the time i hated school and so i probably would have quit and just gone over there if i would have had the opportunity haha. but like i said i hated school so i was def going on about it in the wrong way. but in the end i still wanted to go over so serve people and share Jesus with them. so casey showed me a blog by a girl named Katie Davis. Katie Davis is an amazing girl who honestly is changing the world and most of us dont even know who she is. if you have some time this is a little video of who she is. I started reading Katie's blog and it just opened up this world of how following the Lord wont just impact our own eternity but others as well.
You can read Katie Davis blog here.
A little bit further down the road in my sophomore year i had stopped believing in Jesus all together, high school was really hard for me.i just didnt fit in. and i was made fun of alot for my faith and it was hard. So my solution was to just stop following Jesus and attempt to be a normal kid. This was until two campaigner girls stepped into my life. Eva and Kara. To this day i have no idea how lucky i was that they walked into my life. They kept showing up in my life and loving my for who i was and gently just kept pushing me closer to Christ. During this time the girls had gotten a hold of this blog from a Younglife leader named Libby. Libby was diagnosed with cancer and started a blog of how she would glorify God through this. after i read it for the first time i started reading it religiously. i remember reading what she wrote and it made the Lord so real to me. I remember wanting the life she had. Not the cancer but the spark. She had a drive like no one else i had ever met and i wanted that. I knew it was Jesus, i knew that following the Lord was not just a choice but a lifestyle. Slowly but surely because of the time that Libby took to write, she changed the way i would live my life forever. Suprisingly my younglife leaders, leader was Libby so i have had the amazing opportunity to meet her, and honestly she is the same person that i read on her blog, she is so real, and so loving, which is so assuring because i know sometimes esp on here, but its so easy to just say things people want to hear. Kind of like when someone asks how were doing and we automatically say "oh yeah im fine," when in reality were falling apart on the inside. you know what i mean? but Libby is the exact opposite. She puts herself out there and because of the the Lord is using her in huge ways. Libby will probably never know the impact she had on my life. But if it wasnt for her blog there is a fat chance i would still be that lost, insecure, faithless girl i was my sophomore year.
You can read Libby's blog here.
The Lord speaks to me in HUGE ways through blogs. I dont know why, me and my friends think its actually kind of halarious. But i started blogging because maybe theres someone like me who needs a little encouragement. Maybe there's someone out there that just needs to feel like theres something worth living for. or maybe you just need something to do. But the Lord uses words. he uses them in huge ways just like our actions. people are listening and maybe just maybe if we took the chance to be real with them our world would change in big ways.
If you want to read more blogs if you scroll down a little to the left side of the page under good reads there are blogs that i read and i find them incredible. and i'll list most of them right below this.
http://mattweatherly.wordpress.com/
http://www.younglifeleaders.org/
http://libbyryder.blogspot.com/
http://icarlymission.blogspot.com/
http://francoyounglife.blogspot.com/
http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/
http://kylielynngalyen.blogspot.com/
http://zacharywinman.blogspot.com/
http://hiimhannahlou.wordpress.com/
i read alot of blogs, lolz but each of these blogs have incredible writeres behind them, if you have some time take a look at them hope ya'll have a great rest of a week. We go back to school tomorrow wohooo. syke. lol pray for us please!
Thursday, January 3, 2013
a new year
Happy New Year Everyone! As for the Porth House hold we are starting this new year off right.... Were all sick. lolz. #welcometothegoodlife. This winter break for me has been so so good. its a nice long break and when i go back to school i will be a second semester senior!! heres to doing no work for the rest of the year! jk jk jk (mom i'm seriously just kidding... maybe)
Since my last blog post i have really seen the Lord working in the people around me. Which has been so so cool. Last Friday i got the amazing opportunity to go to Fieldstone's Food Pantry. Im sure alot of you have helped out with food drives, and many other things to help those in need. but how many times do we walk away from those things with out hearts truly changed? yes, of course were going to feel good about what we've done but can we say that our hearts are truly changed from the experience? after going friday night my heart was thoroughly changed. The Food Pantry at Fieldstone is not just a place where people can get the needs for their bodies, but they will also recieve the needs of their hearts. The people that are there to serve are radiating with the love of Christ and its hard not to be effected by that. I seriously just had an amazing time getting to sit and talk with these people that have stories that will break you heart. These people have such hope and courage that will just leave you awestruck. I am so blessed that i got to witness such an amazing ministry that the Lord is doing huge things through. (if you want to get involved with this ministry im going to put a little plug down at the bottom! the pantry is ALWAYS in need of food and volunteers)
Another amazing spontaneous adventure i got to embark on is going up to Snowshoe with one of my best friends family. This family truly loves the Lord, and is constantly giving everything to follow Him. Through my high school experience this family has without fail always been there to hold bible study at their house, sit and listen to my struggles, or my highs. They have all had such a huge impact on me and getting to spend the past few days with them was just so fulfilling. Katie, who is one of my best friends lives life in such a way that we are all just jealous of. she is halarious, kind, and competitive. the Lord has used her to keep me accountable on multiple occasions and i am so blessed to have her. one day she is going to be an amazing younglife leader and she's going to change so many peoples lives.
one thing i wanted to end with, i started a new devotional called Disciplines by Upper Room Books lolz its by a ton of people my dear friend Mrs. Judy gave to me. ive only done two days but so far its really great, the passage ive been reading for it is Isaiah 60:1-6 which says:
“Arise, Jerusalem! Let your light shine for all to see.
For the glory of the Lord rises to shine on you.
2 Darkness as black as night covers all the nations of the earth,
but the glory of the Lord rises and appears over you.
3 All nations will come to your light;
mighty kings will come to see your radiance.
Since my last blog post i have really seen the Lord working in the people around me. Which has been so so cool. Last Friday i got the amazing opportunity to go to Fieldstone's Food Pantry. Im sure alot of you have helped out with food drives, and many other things to help those in need. but how many times do we walk away from those things with out hearts truly changed? yes, of course were going to feel good about what we've done but can we say that our hearts are truly changed from the experience? after going friday night my heart was thoroughly changed. The Food Pantry at Fieldstone is not just a place where people can get the needs for their bodies, but they will also recieve the needs of their hearts. The people that are there to serve are radiating with the love of Christ and its hard not to be effected by that. I seriously just had an amazing time getting to sit and talk with these people that have stories that will break you heart. These people have such hope and courage that will just leave you awestruck. I am so blessed that i got to witness such an amazing ministry that the Lord is doing huge things through. (if you want to get involved with this ministry im going to put a little plug down at the bottom! the pantry is ALWAYS in need of food and volunteers)
Another amazing spontaneous adventure i got to embark on is going up to Snowshoe with one of my best friends family. This family truly loves the Lord, and is constantly giving everything to follow Him. Through my high school experience this family has without fail always been there to hold bible study at their house, sit and listen to my struggles, or my highs. They have all had such a huge impact on me and getting to spend the past few days with them was just so fulfilling. Katie, who is one of my best friends lives life in such a way that we are all just jealous of. she is halarious, kind, and competitive. the Lord has used her to keep me accountable on multiple occasions and i am so blessed to have her. one day she is going to be an amazing younglife leader and she's going to change so many peoples lives.
one thing i wanted to end with, i started a new devotional called Disciplines by Upper Room Books lolz its by a ton of people my dear friend Mrs. Judy gave to me. ive only done two days but so far its really great, the passage ive been reading for it is Isaiah 60:1-6 which says:
“Arise, Jerusalem! Let your light shine for all to see.
For the glory of the Lord rises to shine on you.
2 Darkness as black as night covers all the nations of the earth,
but the glory of the Lord rises and appears over you.
3 All nations will come to your light;
mighty kings will come to see your radiance.
4 “Look and see, for everyone is coming home!
Your sons are coming from distant lands;
your little daughters will be carried home.
5 Your eyes will shine,
and your heart will thrill with joy,for merchants from around the world will come to you.
They will bring you the wealth of many lands.
6 Vast caravans of camels will converge on you,
the camels of Midian and Ephah.
The people of Sheba will bring gold and frankincense
and will come worshiping the Lord.
Your sons are coming from distant lands;
your little daughters will be carried home.
5 Your eyes will shine,
and your heart will thrill with joy,for merchants from around the world will come to you.
They will bring you the wealth of many lands.
6 Vast caravans of camels will converge on you,
the camels of Midian and Ephah.
The people of Sheba will bring gold and frankincense
and will come worshiping the Lord.
this gives me chills everytime i read it. its just such a picture of how i want this year to look for me. i want my friends so badly to come home. I want them to feel this unspeakable Joy i get from following the Lord. reading this passage gives me hope to be a light for my friends, the people around me, strangers. a light that only God can give me, so that they might have the opportunity to come home.
as promised:
Fieldstone Food Pantry is ran by an incredible woman named Kim Schwenk you can email her kschwenk09@gmail.com and she can give you all the inforamation you need to help out.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
a true Christmas Gift
Hey Everyone, I'm so sorry i havent wrote in so long. This month has been jammed packed with just fellowship with friends, seeing family, white elephant parties, pitch perfect, exams, winter VT graduations, and the celebration of Jesus. I hope ya'll have had an amazing Christmas and really enjoyed time with family, and close friends. I love Christmas time but im not reallly about setting up all the decorations and stuff for it. I like the spirit of Christmas, i love to give gifts and see how willing other poeple are to give. But as for setting up the tree... i aint about that life. hahahahaha i'm sure i will be when i get older but after i found out santa wasnt real i was basically scarred for life because i was def. that kid. The kid who is determined santa was real. and balled my eyes out when i found out he wasnt. So after that i wasnt really into Christmas as much as i used to be. okay now rereading that it sounds awful.... im not like the grinch or anything i just like seeing the final product of the tree instead of helping out before. does that make sense? i hope so lolz.
About two weeks ago i wrote about how my walk with the Lord has reached it two year mark. I wrote about how my life was at this point and now its at this point. I didnt really go into much detail about why i was there in the beginning or why i felt so lost, but that is for other posts i promise (: however after writing that it made me think about alot of things. i finally came to realization that i am in a dry season with the Lord. which kind of stinks because i was in such a high, fruitful season before. This month its been hard because some of the things i wrote about how i was before i met Christ i kind of feel like im right back to those. For example, trying to seek affirmation from others instead of the Father, or just trying to do things on my own, according to my plan instead of his. I also struggle with new things, like my future, where the hawk im going to be next year, what im going to be doing. Who my roommate is going to be COMMUNITY SHOWERS (YUCK, so gross, so scared)... seriously freaking about those things hahahah. And to be honest its frusterating. Its like why havent i learned by now. Why do i keep going in circles instead of going forward!
and in the end i think it has come to the point where in my head i feel like i have to change myself. i have to figure out God's plan for me on my own. i also correlate how many quiet times, or how many times ive journaled in a week to how good my realtionship with the Lord is.
and if im being honest i think alot of us can relate to that. whether or not were following the Lord we all have this unobtainable image in our heads of who we should be and its literally this perfect image we can never live up to. and because of how imperfect i am i am ashamed to come to the foot of the cross because of how filthy im made because of my sin.
so i started praying about this. just kind of in the mind set of i know i need to do this reguardless of if i want to or not.. instead of coming to his feet because i want to be there and i want to be filled again. i was just like Lord, im sorry. Im sorry for how filthy i am, im sorry i keep making the same mistakes everyday. im sorry for over looking you and find worth in other things. and you know i would feel great right after them until i messed up again. like when i just backed talk my parents, or just had the attitude of screw this. you know what im sayin? and so this was just kind of like an on going thing. until one day it just kind of hit me. Like recently, this week recently. Jesus was born this week, a long long time ago in that manger. and because of his life i no longer have walk in darkness. i no longer have to feel the way ive been feeling for a while. he was born so i no longer have to keep trying to earn his forgiveness, because that day in the manger a long long time ago. you and i have been given the opportunity to be forgiven because when Jesus grew up he died for our sins and we no longer have to earn his forgiveness because he gives it to us. the question i had to ask myself was if i was willing to accept his gift. the ultimate Christmas gift. in this gift not only do i find forgiveness, but life, and worth, and joy, and freedom. Because of this gift i can come to the cross digustingly dirty. and be cleaned. because when we change our mind set from being set on doing good things for Him to believing in Him. he will change us. he will change our motives, and he will show us the way to live.
will you be willing to accept Jesus' gift to you?
About two weeks ago i wrote about how my walk with the Lord has reached it two year mark. I wrote about how my life was at this point and now its at this point. I didnt really go into much detail about why i was there in the beginning or why i felt so lost, but that is for other posts i promise (: however after writing that it made me think about alot of things. i finally came to realization that i am in a dry season with the Lord. which kind of stinks because i was in such a high, fruitful season before. This month its been hard because some of the things i wrote about how i was before i met Christ i kind of feel like im right back to those. For example, trying to seek affirmation from others instead of the Father, or just trying to do things on my own, according to my plan instead of his. I also struggle with new things, like my future, where the hawk im going to be next year, what im going to be doing. Who my roommate is going to be COMMUNITY SHOWERS (YUCK, so gross, so scared)... seriously freaking about those things hahahah. And to be honest its frusterating. Its like why havent i learned by now. Why do i keep going in circles instead of going forward!
and in the end i think it has come to the point where in my head i feel like i have to change myself. i have to figure out God's plan for me on my own. i also correlate how many quiet times, or how many times ive journaled in a week to how good my realtionship with the Lord is.
and if im being honest i think alot of us can relate to that. whether or not were following the Lord we all have this unobtainable image in our heads of who we should be and its literally this perfect image we can never live up to. and because of how imperfect i am i am ashamed to come to the foot of the cross because of how filthy im made because of my sin.
so i started praying about this. just kind of in the mind set of i know i need to do this reguardless of if i want to or not.. instead of coming to his feet because i want to be there and i want to be filled again. i was just like Lord, im sorry. Im sorry for how filthy i am, im sorry i keep making the same mistakes everyday. im sorry for over looking you and find worth in other things. and you know i would feel great right after them until i messed up again. like when i just backed talk my parents, or just had the attitude of screw this. you know what im sayin? and so this was just kind of like an on going thing. until one day it just kind of hit me. Like recently, this week recently. Jesus was born this week, a long long time ago in that manger. and because of his life i no longer have walk in darkness. i no longer have to feel the way ive been feeling for a while. he was born so i no longer have to keep trying to earn his forgiveness, because that day in the manger a long long time ago. you and i have been given the opportunity to be forgiven because when Jesus grew up he died for our sins and we no longer have to earn his forgiveness because he gives it to us. the question i had to ask myself was if i was willing to accept his gift. the ultimate Christmas gift. in this gift not only do i find forgiveness, but life, and worth, and joy, and freedom. Because of this gift i can come to the cross digustingly dirty. and be cleaned. because when we change our mind set from being set on doing good things for Him to believing in Him. he will change us. he will change our motives, and he will show us the way to live.
will you be willing to accept Jesus' gift to you?
Sunday, December 16, 2012
two years: its been so worth it
today is special. two years ago today is when everything changed for me. 730 days ago my life was turned upside down by a God who has much bigger plans for me than i could possibly imagine. Two years ago i started walking with the Lord, and since then my life has been forever changed.
Two years ago if you would have told me i would have been walking with the the Lord i probably would have laughed at you and said yeah right. Thanks but no thanks, I probably would have told you the Lord wasnt real, and that believing in Him was stupid, and a waste of time. I was a girl who was super insecure, always trying to fit in, but still trying to prove im different (if that makes sense). self centered. always pointing the conversation back to myself. severly broken by the power of sin, always seeking affirmation from the people around me, and finding my worth in what others thought of me. i would get close to people (relationship wise) but not close enough to be real, and really let them know who i am. and to be honest thats just a few things the list could go alot longer.
I was really lost. but some how because of how my friends loved me so deeply reguardless of how i treated them. i know thats how Christ is there for me. My friends kept showing up and loving me for who i was. No matter what. There were times when i treated the people i loved the most really really badly, but through all of that they were still there. Because of my friends i knew that is how Christ loves me, that is how Christ will continue to show up in my life and forgive me even when i dont deserve it. The list i said above no longer matters because the Lord looks at me and says iyou are forgiven, and i love you.
Today i look back on the past two years and i know that the Lord is real. i see Him working in kids lives every single day. i see him working in my own heart. even after two years i feel like a baby in my faith i have so much to learn, but through the time i have been following the Lord i can say that because of Him i am a changed person. and i would not be living my life any other way. i still struggle alot, i still have bad days, and dry seasons, but at the end of the day my worth is no longer found in those things, i no longer have to go through these days alone.
Two years ago this is who i was:
I was a girl who was super insecure, always trying to fit in, but still trying to prove im different (if that makes sense). self centered. always pointing the conversation back to myself. severly broken by the power of sin, always seeking affirmation from the people around me, and finding my worth in what others thought of me. i would get close to people (relationship wise) but not close enough to be real, and really let them know who i am.
This is who i am now:
I am found in Christ. i am no longer searching for something will fill me because i have found Someone who fills my life everyday. I have adventure. I am no longer lost in the crowd but found in Him. I am loved, and forgiven with no strings attached.
if you ever want to learn more about my story i would love to tell you please dont hesitate to ask.
Two years ago if you would have told me i would have been walking with the the Lord i probably would have laughed at you and said yeah right. Thanks but no thanks, I probably would have told you the Lord wasnt real, and that believing in Him was stupid, and a waste of time. I was a girl who was super insecure, always trying to fit in, but still trying to prove im different (if that makes sense). self centered. always pointing the conversation back to myself. severly broken by the power of sin, always seeking affirmation from the people around me, and finding my worth in what others thought of me. i would get close to people (relationship wise) but not close enough to be real, and really let them know who i am. and to be honest thats just a few things the list could go alot longer.
I was really lost. but some how because of how my friends loved me so deeply reguardless of how i treated them. i know thats how Christ is there for me. My friends kept showing up and loving me for who i was. No matter what. There were times when i treated the people i loved the most really really badly, but through all of that they were still there. Because of my friends i knew that is how Christ loves me, that is how Christ will continue to show up in my life and forgive me even when i dont deserve it. The list i said above no longer matters because the Lord looks at me and says iyou are forgiven, and i love you.
Today i look back on the past two years and i know that the Lord is real. i see Him working in kids lives every single day. i see him working in my own heart. even after two years i feel like a baby in my faith i have so much to learn, but through the time i have been following the Lord i can say that because of Him i am a changed person. and i would not be living my life any other way. i still struggle alot, i still have bad days, and dry seasons, but at the end of the day my worth is no longer found in those things, i no longer have to go through these days alone.
Two years ago this is who i was:
This is who i am now:
I am found in Christ. i am no longer searching for something will fill me because i have found Someone who fills my life everyday. I have adventure. I am no longer lost in the crowd but found in Him. I am loved, and forgiven with no strings attached.
if you ever want to learn more about my story i would love to tell you please dont hesitate to ask.
...
Baby brooklyn comes home in TWO DAYS. such a miracle.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
blog post from a dear friend
this is is a guest post from one of my best friends. we met this summer at work crew and i am just so encouraged by her on a daily basis. Alyssa is one of those people that lives life in such a way that you want to be around her all the time. The way she genuinely cares for her friends and intently listens to them just brings people to Jesus feet. This year Lyssa will be placed at a high school in Ohio as a young life leader and i cannot wait to witness the way the Lord is going to work through her and bring teenagers to Him. The plans the Lord has planned for her are huge and i am just so lucky to be a witness to it. But anyways here's Alyssa everyone (:
Hi, I’m Alyssa, one of
Hailey’s friends from Work Crew. She asked me a while ago to write something
for her blog and sadly I thought it was a joke. But she was serious and said
that she felt that I had something to say. Hmmm…what? I didn’t even know I had
something to say, but I trust her so I thought about it, and thought about it,
and thought about it some more. I then prayed a little, but just wasn’t feeling
the Lord talking to me, telling me what I needed to say. So honestly, I just
kept putting it off until I would hopefully feel Him telling me what to write.
I kept questioning Him when that moment will be. When will I be told what to
do?
I suppose that that is
something I struggle with constantly, not feeling the Lord’s presence and not
hearing His advice to me. All through high school I waited and waited for His
response to my questions. I was stubborn and I wanted to challenge Him and
force Him to answer, because that what the Lord does, He answers prayers right?
So of course I was not getting what I wanted. Even today I struggle with that.
I am always finding a way to challenge God to answer me and to get what I want.
These I call my ruts. When I wasn’t getting what I asked for from God I would
go in to a rut. These ruts caused my view of God to be skewed and
single-blinded. I continually relapsed into these when I felt the Lord drifting
further and further away from me. And I wanted everything to put me back right
next to Him; however I wanted God to do it for me.
But thankfully the Lord
does answer prayers and thankfully again, he does on his own time. I was reading my bible when I came across
these verses that hit me hard:
Proverbs 3:5-12
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil. This will
bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones.
Honor the Lord with all your wealth, with the firstfruits of all your
crops; then your barns will be filled to overflowing, and your vats will brim
over with new wine.
My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline and do not resent his
rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he
delights in.”
This right here is all I
need! But it requires me to work at it. A relationship isn’t only one person
it’s two! Two need to work at it to improve it, fix it, and perfect it. I
despised the Lord’s discipline when I should have been accepting it and acting
on it. He’s telling me that he challenges and disciplines me because he loves
me. He wants me to grow closer to him through my weaknesses. So now whenever I
feel as though I am drifting away from the Father, I just need to remember that
He loves me and is not drifting away but He is giving me the opportunity to get
closer to Him.
If you ever feel as
though you are not as close to God as you should be or that you are drifting
away from Him, remember that that is your opportunity to join Him and to better
your relationship with Him. But you have to first recognize that you are not a
part of that relationship and that you need to do something about it. So are
you ready to get closer to God or do you need to start that relationship? I am
proof that he does answer those prays because not only did the Lord help me
find what I needed to say but he helped me fix something in my heart. He helped
to rid me of these ruts that prevented me from growing closer the Him.
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