Oh goodness sorry i havent blogged in a while. i havent really felt "inspired" to write. and i def dont ever want to feel like i have to write because then it wouldnt be coming from my heart. but anyways lately i have been my inability to do things. more in a spiritual sense than anyhting else. And this weekend was def my breaking point. because of my inability to do things i have also felt because of this im not qualified to do things because im not good enough.
like i have said before i love chasing after high schoolers and showing them that there is a God out there who loves them more than anything else in the world. and can give them more life than any other thing kids are trying to find life in these days. wheather its drugs, alcohol, boyfriends, girlfriends, friends, grades, parents.... anything the Lord is able to fill you more than any of them. but recently i have just felt like i just am not able to do that because everytime i try i fail. everytime i find myself trying to glorify myself, rather than the King. i find myself placing my plans infront of His plans, and in the simple scheme of things i def put One Tree Hill before anything #obsessed. other things i tend to do is give up because the things high schoolers do these days i have never done and how do you relate to someone who finds life in that but i myself havent even done it? Things like that make me feel like i cant show kids Christ. It makes me feel like i am not qualified to bring kids to the foot of the cross.
i sit through school and look at my friends around me and my heart breaks because i know, i KNOW God is out there dying for them to see how much He loves them. I know that God is in their hearts already and He just wants them to feel that. I walk through school and see how so many of my friends are addicted to drugs, or enslaved to alcohol. I look around and see girls who are so broken that the only way that they feel complete is by giving themselves to their boyfriends. I see kids every weekend trying to forget why their life sucks so they drink until they dont remember anything. I see kids working so hard because they want to be the star player that they forget that the sport they are playing is meant to be for fun, and your supposed to enjoy it. i hate witnessing that. i hate seeing how broken our society is. and i hate seeing kids constantly pour themselves into something expecting something in return and in reality they are left emptier than before.
but like these kids i am the same way. i try so hard to be the "christian girl" that everybody expects me to be. i find myself seeing my worth in how many parties im invited to... i feel as if im not good enough for friends because i am not able to keep up with their lifestyles. i too am just like every high schooler. broken by the power of sin, constantly searching for something that will give me life.
this morning when i was having my quiet time i was just praying
"Lord they are so lost. they are so broken. i want to take away all their pain, i want to take away all their suffering. i just want to take it all away from them. except i cant. but Lord you can. you can take away everything that is hindering us. you can fill them with life. everlasting life. but how do i show them that whan alot of times i dont feel it myself because of my inability to follow you whole heartedly?"
and as i was writing this in my journal it hit me that its the cross. the only reason we can feel Christ love is because of the cross. The only way we are ever going to feel alive is by the mighty power of the cross.
we are constantly turning to things that will never fill us, drugs, alcohol, self image, relationships, success, grades, leadership roles. WHEN ARE THESE GOING TO WORK? my heart screams out. but the answer is. there never going to work. these things that we keep shoving into our hearts are never going to work. the only thing that is going to work is following Christ with everything we have. we will finally feel set free at the foot of the cross where Jesus's blood ran out for us so that we could be free from sin.
my failures, my heart, my everything sits at the foot of the cross where it is traded for love. it is traded for mercy. it is traded for salvation.
Jesus died so that we will never have to find life in anything except for him. He died so that when we are lost and indulge in the things life has to offer, we can find redemption and forgiveness because Jesus broke the power of sin. we no longer have to feel trapped by these things. and that is why we are set free. each and every single one of us.
just know that in all of our failures. you are loved. remember in your daily life. you are loved. remember when things dont look like they couldnt get anyworse. you are loved. know that everystep you take Jesus is right beside you.
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